Day1

Ok so not strictly day one, its more day 3650  but Ive never been punctual.   So agoraphobia, monophobia, Complex PTSD and panic diorder !  Greedy I am !  Normally Im the one who picks everyone up, pulls them all together, gives them hope.  But today, I am that low, I simply couldnt support a cocktail stick in a pineapple chunk.
I feel so desperate today, not suicidal, just tired of fighting the good fight, there being no escape from my external world of hell, coupled with my internal world of hell.  My life is hardly a bed of roses.  Idiots around making me feel 10X worse, support ppl or are bullies, being dependent on others 100% who let me down.  Its all a barrel of laughs really.
So my plan has been, get better and get out.  Ten years on Im saying get better and get out!  Im feeling so fed up.  Wish I could just say hey  mental illnesses take a break please so I can escape the people around me who are making me worse.  So Ive tried doing it the other way round....getting out first .....omg that really didnt work, major breakdown.  I have to be strong enough and have enough coping tools to escape.  Its just a catch 22 situation.
And, this is why I am today unusually feeling desperate.  Some things happened and I got upset by them, so I thought I'll speak to some people about this who know what they are talking about...lol...well i met the same brick wall.  Get out is the same advice.  They (police, doctors, friends, psychiatrists) all same , as though I dont want to , as thought im that stupid I need to be told .  Really funny u should say that cuz erm....Ive been trying to for 10 years, only nobody is helping me get better !  Im sick of hearing about i need to choose which is worse my mental health or my external world, as though either are a choice !  Thats like saying to a starving diabetic, its your choice how badly you need to eat...you have to choose between starvation and a diabetic coma !  Well its clearly not a choice !  No one would live like this if they had a choice !  I just want to be treated for my mental health conditions so that escaping is a choice I can make.  
But I am not treated , and despite petitions, and Mps, and referrals, i remain untreated.  Why?  because home treatment is to expensive, and i cannot get to the mental health centres for treatment.  So I remain in limbo.....stuck between a rock and a hard place, with only hope.