The abusers blame the victim for causing the abuse. For example, the abuser would say to the victim, “If you cleaned up more, I wouldn’t call you names.” This resignation with me so powerfully i nearly burst into tears on the spot. Denial not a river in Egypt ...but my word its a coping mechanism we use even against ourselves to protect our minds. I am in an abusive relationship, and have been severely for 8 years but basically for 10. I hated the usual answers wet lettice women gave to questions like well why dont you leave him... because i love him ! How stupid is that ! So I found other reasons...anything to make sense to myself. But i hadn't realised the 'cuz i love him; women were actually suffering from Stockholm syndrome. There loads on this in terms of being applied to battered women and victims of marital abuse. I thought it was just a hostage thing ! Well I have a small snippet on it here which applies to an aspect of my abuse ! Its random, with great times in between, so thats not abuse is it ? Battered women are those frightened little cowering women, slapped around daily, covered in bruises and bowing their heads to the abusers every need. Im not like that. Im not a frightened little cowering woman and its not everyday or all day ...you find ways to deny the truth, to move the goal posts to fit what you need to believe. This is a marriage, ups and downs are normal, most couples fight behind closed doors its just not talked about. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well thats rubbish.
When physical abuse is administered at intermittent intervals (random times) and when it is interspersed with permissive and friendly contact, the phenomenon of traumatic bonding seems most powerful.
The three phases involved in the cycle of violence (tension building, battering and "honeymoon") provide a prime example of intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictable duration and severity of each phase serve to keep the victim off balance and in hopes of change. The "honeymoon" phase is an integral part of traumatic bonding. It is this phase that allows the victim to experience calm and loving feelings from the abuser and therefore strengthens her emotional attachment.
So why don't i leave? Well gratefully today I found the answers that apply to me !
- belief that the abusive partner will change because of his remorse and promises to stop battering
- insecurity about living alone
- lack of emotional support
- guilt over the failure of the relationship
- attachment to the partner
- fear of making major life changes
- feeling helpless, hopeless and trappe
- economic dependence on the abuser
- fear of physical harm to self or children
- fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive
- fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave
- lack of occupational skills
- social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system
- lack of alternative housing
- cultural or religious constrains
-Stockholm syndrome
If you have a mental health diagnosis, your partner may have used this to abuse you even more. For example, by:
Saying you couldn't cope without him.
Saying you're 'mad'.
Telling you you're a bad mother and cannot look after the children properly..
Threatening to take the children away.
Threatening to "tell Social Services" - the implication being they will take the children away.
Telling the children "Mummy can't look after you".
Deliberately misleading or confusing you.
Withholding or coercing you into using alcohol or drugs.
Undermining you when you disclose the abuse or ask for help: "You can't believe her - she's mad".
These tactics will almost certainly add to your emotional distress and exacerbate any existing mental health issues.
Ok so now i do feel better crazy as it sounds ! I always felt trapped becuase of my agoraphobia and monophobia. I need someone with me all day everyday, and it is exhausting on others and demeaning to me to have to beg people to baby sit me I didnt know that feeling trapped was actually a sign of stockholm syndrome lol !
Im feeling better knowing all this actually isnt me , it is him, and that once I am better I will get out , and knowing that I actually dont love him, that this is actually stockholm syndrome is wonderful !
Just additional points for my own memory ! He steals money from me, he lies, he breaks my things when he's angry !
No comments:
Post a Comment