Day 2

Locked in a cell of my own mind.  You think this is going to be about joy?  Happiness?  Resolution?  Recovery?  Dont kid your self, I know the truth.  This is it.  This is my lot, and theres nothing I can do about it.  Others, I pray they can do this, I believe most can.  But for me, nope.  There is no mental freedom from a life time of bashing, which continues everyday.  I feel so afraid of living.  So afraid of my own inability to cope and the constantly feelings of feelings overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks like making a sandwich..  Do you know why we all sleep?  Its nothing to do with being lazy or a messed up body clock.  Its because its the closest we can get to suicide without the commitment!  What is seriously the point of living in a cage?  Born free see's animals in cages mistreated and the country is up in arms...money is ploughed into their rescue, governments get involved, then after their rescue they are rehabilitated, re-programmed out of the abuse they suffered.  For  some of them its to late, they cant handle it, and they die.  But for the lucky ones, they finally run free..free from torture, from abuse, from mistreatment, from slavery, from cages, from bondage. But us, people lol, no one cares .  We are just left.  Our pleas for help go ignored.  Abandoned by society,  we remain hidden and neglected doing the best we cam we get better, self help books, getting out and trying to prove to our selves we are safe.  But when someone has been stripped down so far how are we meant to believe in ourselves to do this?
I wonder if born free would take me on?
If only I could curl up and die today, throw in the towel and give up.  People say they would die for their children, how easy it that.  Thats done with quickly. Everyday, every hour every moment i live for my children.  Living when it is unbearable is so hard.   I feel broken today, lost, bewildered, exhausted.  What to do?  I know I could engage in distraction, or I could do something that makes me happy, surface covers I call these.  This is why Im exhausted, it takes a lot to keep covering the surface of hell.

As day has progressed I have felt some relief from my external torment which has allowed me to pull myself together.  Feeling somewhat calmer ...knowing I have an escape plan to be implemented in 10 years time !  Yes I appreciate a decade is a rather unnecessary amount of time to wait, but since the repercussions of an attempted escape before will open such a can of worm as to destroy the foundations of my pointless existence, they delay is necessary!

Wrote an email to my Doctors surgery today, not sure at all if they will get it , hopefully, I really need to have something to get me through the next 10 years without having to divulge why.