Slowly picking up. Feeling a small sense of worth again. Hormones been rife for the last 4 days, which obviously hasnt helped me , but i know the truth now and this makes a difference to my own self belief. Just tired really, shutting myself out of everything is helping actually , as most things r overwhelming.
Im not going to give up, i will get out, and i will be set free when i do xxx
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Day 3
The abusers blame the victim for causing the abuse. For example, the abuser would say to the victim, “If you cleaned up more, I wouldn’t call you names.” This resignation with me so powerfully i nearly burst into tears on the spot. Denial not a river in Egypt ...but my word its a coping mechanism we use even against ourselves to protect our minds. I am in an abusive relationship, and have been severely for 8 years but basically for 10. I hated the usual answers wet lettice women gave to questions like well why dont you leave him... because i love him ! How stupid is that ! So I found other reasons...anything to make sense to myself. But i hadn't realised the 'cuz i love him; women were actually suffering from Stockholm syndrome. There loads on this in terms of being applied to battered women and victims of marital abuse. I thought it was just a hostage thing ! Well I have a small snippet on it here which applies to an aspect of my abuse ! Its random, with great times in between, so thats not abuse is it ? Battered women are those frightened little cowering women, slapped around daily, covered in bruises and bowing their heads to the abusers every need. Im not like that. Im not a frightened little cowering woman and its not everyday or all day ...you find ways to deny the truth, to move the goal posts to fit what you need to believe. This is a marriage, ups and downs are normal, most couples fight behind closed doors its just not talked about. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well thats rubbish.
When physical abuse is administered at intermittent intervals (random times) and when it is interspersed with permissive and friendly contact, the phenomenon of traumatic bonding seems most powerful.
The three phases involved in the cycle of violence (tension building, battering and "honeymoon") provide a prime example of intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictable duration and severity of each phase serve to keep the victim off balance and in hopes of change. The "honeymoon" phase is an integral part of traumatic bonding. It is this phase that allows the victim to experience calm and loving feelings from the abuser and therefore strengthens her emotional attachment.
So why don't i leave? Well gratefully today I found the answers that apply to me !
- belief that the abusive partner will change because of his remorse and promises to stop battering
- insecurity about living alone
- lack of emotional support
- guilt over the failure of the relationship
- attachment to the partner
- fear of making major life changes
- feeling helpless, hopeless and trappe
- economic dependence on the abuser
- fear of physical harm to self or children
- fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive
- fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave
- lack of occupational skills
- social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system
- lack of alternative housing
- cultural or religious constrains
-Stockholm syndrome
If you have a mental health diagnosis, your partner may have used this to abuse you even more. For example, by:
Saying you couldn't cope without him.
Saying you're 'mad'.
Telling you you're a bad mother and cannot look after the children properly..
Threatening to take the children away.
Threatening to "tell Social Services" - the implication being they will take the children away.
Telling the children "Mummy can't look after you".
Deliberately misleading or confusing you.
Withholding or coercing you into using alcohol or drugs.
Undermining you when you disclose the abuse or ask for help: "You can't believe her - she's mad".
These tactics will almost certainly add to your emotional distress and exacerbate any existing mental health issues.
Ok so now i do feel better crazy as it sounds ! I always felt trapped becuase of my agoraphobia and monophobia. I need someone with me all day everyday, and it is exhausting on others and demeaning to me to have to beg people to baby sit me I didnt know that feeling trapped was actually a sign of stockholm syndrome lol !
Just additional points for my own memory ! He steals money from me, he lies, he breaks my things when he's angry !
The abusers blame the victim for causing the abuse. For example, the abuser would say to the victim, “If you cleaned up more, I wouldn’t call you names.” This resignation with me so powerfully i nearly burst into tears on the spot. Denial not a river in Egypt ...but my word its a coping mechanism we use even against ourselves to protect our minds. I am in an abusive relationship, and have been severely for 8 years but basically for 10. I hated the usual answers wet lettice women gave to questions like well why dont you leave him... because i love him ! How stupid is that ! So I found other reasons...anything to make sense to myself. But i hadn't realised the 'cuz i love him; women were actually suffering from Stockholm syndrome. There loads on this in terms of being applied to battered women and victims of marital abuse. I thought it was just a hostage thing ! Well I have a small snippet on it here which applies to an aspect of my abuse ! Its random, with great times in between, so thats not abuse is it ? Battered women are those frightened little cowering women, slapped around daily, covered in bruises and bowing their heads to the abusers every need. Im not like that. Im not a frightened little cowering woman and its not everyday or all day ...you find ways to deny the truth, to move the goal posts to fit what you need to believe. This is a marriage, ups and downs are normal, most couples fight behind closed doors its just not talked about. MMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well thats rubbish.
When physical abuse is administered at intermittent intervals (random times) and when it is interspersed with permissive and friendly contact, the phenomenon of traumatic bonding seems most powerful.
The three phases involved in the cycle of violence (tension building, battering and "honeymoon") provide a prime example of intermittent reinforcement. The unpredictable duration and severity of each phase serve to keep the victim off balance and in hopes of change. The "honeymoon" phase is an integral part of traumatic bonding. It is this phase that allows the victim to experience calm and loving feelings from the abuser and therefore strengthens her emotional attachment.
So why don't i leave? Well gratefully today I found the answers that apply to me !
- belief that the abusive partner will change because of his remorse and promises to stop battering
- insecurity about living alone
- lack of emotional support
- guilt over the failure of the relationship
- attachment to the partner
- fear of making major life changes
- feeling helpless, hopeless and trappe
- economic dependence on the abuser
- fear of physical harm to self or children
- fear of emotional damage to the children who need two parents, even if one is abusive
- fear of losing custody of the children because the abuser threatens to take the children if victim tries to leave
- lack of occupational skills
- social isolation and lack of support because abuser is often the victim’s only support system
- lack of alternative housing
- cultural or religious constrains
-Stockholm syndrome
If you have a mental health diagnosis, your partner may have used this to abuse you even more. For example, by:
Saying you couldn't cope without him.
Saying you're 'mad'.
Telling you you're a bad mother and cannot look after the children properly..
Threatening to take the children away.
Threatening to "tell Social Services" - the implication being they will take the children away.
Telling the children "Mummy can't look after you".
Deliberately misleading or confusing you.
Withholding or coercing you into using alcohol or drugs.
Undermining you when you disclose the abuse or ask for help: "You can't believe her - she's mad".
These tactics will almost certainly add to your emotional distress and exacerbate any existing mental health issues.
Ok so now i do feel better crazy as it sounds ! I always felt trapped becuase of my agoraphobia and monophobia. I need someone with me all day everyday, and it is exhausting on others and demeaning to me to have to beg people to baby sit me I didnt know that feeling trapped was actually a sign of stockholm syndrome lol !
Im feeling better knowing all this actually isnt me , it is him, and that once I am better I will get out , and knowing that I actually dont love him, that this is actually stockholm syndrome is wonderful !
Just additional points for my own memory ! He steals money from me, he lies, he breaks my things when he's angry !
Monday, 9 April 2012
Day 2
Locked in a cell of my own mind. You think this is going to be about joy? Happiness? Resolution? Recovery? Dont kid your self, I know the truth. This is it. This is my lot, and theres nothing I can do about it. Others, I pray they can do this, I believe most can. But for me, nope. There is no mental freedom from a life time of bashing, which continues everyday. I feel so afraid of living. So afraid of my own inability to cope and the constantly feelings of feelings overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks like making a sandwich.. Do you know why we all sleep? Its nothing to do with being lazy or a messed up body clock. Its because its the closest we can get to suicide without the commitment! What is seriously the point of living in a cage? Born free see's animals in cages mistreated and the country is up in arms...money is ploughed into their rescue, governments get involved, then after their rescue they are rehabilitated, re-programmed out of the abuse they suffered. For some of them its to late, they cant handle it, and they die. But for the lucky ones, they finally run free..free from torture, from abuse, from mistreatment, from slavery, from cages, from bondage. But us, people lol, no one cares . We are just left. Our pleas for help go ignored. Abandoned by society, we remain hidden and neglected doing the best we cam we get better, self help books, getting out and trying to prove to our selves we are safe. But when someone has been stripped down so far how are we meant to believe in ourselves to do this?
I wonder if born free would take me on?
If only I could curl up and die today, throw in the towel and give up. People say they would die for their children, how easy it that. Thats done with quickly. Everyday, every hour every moment i live for my children. Living when it is unbearable is so hard. I feel broken today, lost, bewildered, exhausted. What to do? I know I could engage in distraction, or I could do something that makes me happy, surface covers I call these. This is why Im exhausted, it takes a lot to keep covering the surface of hell.
As day has progressed I have felt some relief from my external torment which has allowed me to pull myself together. Feeling somewhat calmer ...knowing I have an escape plan to be implemented in 10 years time ! Yes I appreciate a decade is a rather unnecessary amount of time to wait, but since the repercussions of an attempted escape before will open such a can of worm as to destroy the foundations of my pointless existence, they delay is necessary!
Wrote an email to my Doctors surgery today, not sure at all if they will get it , hopefully, I really need to have something to get me through the next 10 years without having to divulge why.
I wonder if born free would take me on?
If only I could curl up and die today, throw in the towel and give up. People say they would die for their children, how easy it that. Thats done with quickly. Everyday, every hour every moment i live for my children. Living when it is unbearable is so hard. I feel broken today, lost, bewildered, exhausted. What to do? I know I could engage in distraction, or I could do something that makes me happy, surface covers I call these. This is why Im exhausted, it takes a lot to keep covering the surface of hell.
As day has progressed I have felt some relief from my external torment which has allowed me to pull myself together. Feeling somewhat calmer ...knowing I have an escape plan to be implemented in 10 years time ! Yes I appreciate a decade is a rather unnecessary amount of time to wait, but since the repercussions of an attempted escape before will open such a can of worm as to destroy the foundations of my pointless existence, they delay is necessary!
Wrote an email to my Doctors surgery today, not sure at all if they will get it , hopefully, I really need to have something to get me through the next 10 years without having to divulge why.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Day1
Ok so not strictly day one, its more day 3650 but Ive never been punctual. So agoraphobia, monophobia, Complex PTSD and panic diorder ! Greedy I am ! Normally Im the one who picks everyone up, pulls them all together, gives them hope. But today, I am that low, I simply couldnt support a cocktail stick in a pineapple chunk.
I feel so desperate today, not suicidal, just tired of fighting the good fight, there being no escape from my external world of hell, coupled with my internal world of hell. My life is hardly a bed of roses. Idiots around making me feel 10X worse, support ppl or are bullies, being dependent on others 100% who let me down. Its all a barrel of laughs really.
So my plan has been, get better and get out. Ten years on Im saying get better and get out! Im feeling so fed up. Wish I could just say hey mental illnesses take a break please so I can escape the people around me who are making me worse. So Ive tried doing it the other way round....getting out first .....omg that really didnt work, major breakdown. I have to be strong enough and have enough coping tools to escape. Its just a catch 22 situation.
And, this is why I am today unusually feeling desperate. Some things happened and I got upset by them, so I thought I'll speak to some people about this who know what they are talking about...lol...well i met the same brick wall. Get out is the same advice. They (police, doctors, friends, psychiatrists) all same , as though I dont want to , as thought im that stupid I need to be told . Really funny u should say that cuz erm....Ive been trying to for 10 years, only nobody is helping me get better ! Im sick of hearing about i need to choose which is worse my mental health or my external world, as though either are a choice ! Thats like saying to a starving diabetic, its your choice how badly you need to eat...you have to choose between starvation and a diabetic coma ! Well its clearly not a choice ! No one would live like this if they had a choice ! I just want to be treated for my mental health conditions so that escaping is a choice I can make.
But I am not treated , and despite petitions, and Mps, and referrals, i remain untreated. Why? because home treatment is to expensive, and i cannot get to the mental health centres for treatment. So I remain in limbo.....stuck between a rock and a hard place, with only hope.
I feel so desperate today, not suicidal, just tired of fighting the good fight, there being no escape from my external world of hell, coupled with my internal world of hell. My life is hardly a bed of roses. Idiots around making me feel 10X worse, support ppl or are bullies, being dependent on others 100% who let me down. Its all a barrel of laughs really.
So my plan has been, get better and get out. Ten years on Im saying get better and get out! Im feeling so fed up. Wish I could just say hey mental illnesses take a break please so I can escape the people around me who are making me worse. So Ive tried doing it the other way round....getting out first .....omg that really didnt work, major breakdown. I have to be strong enough and have enough coping tools to escape. Its just a catch 22 situation.
And, this is why I am today unusually feeling desperate. Some things happened and I got upset by them, so I thought I'll speak to some people about this who know what they are talking about...lol...well i met the same brick wall. Get out is the same advice. They (police, doctors, friends, psychiatrists) all same , as though I dont want to , as thought im that stupid I need to be told . Really funny u should say that cuz erm....Ive been trying to for 10 years, only nobody is helping me get better ! Im sick of hearing about i need to choose which is worse my mental health or my external world, as though either are a choice ! Thats like saying to a starving diabetic, its your choice how badly you need to eat...you have to choose between starvation and a diabetic coma ! Well its clearly not a choice ! No one would live like this if they had a choice ! I just want to be treated for my mental health conditions so that escaping is a choice I can make.
But I am not treated , and despite petitions, and Mps, and referrals, i remain untreated. Why? because home treatment is to expensive, and i cannot get to the mental health centres for treatment. So I remain in limbo.....stuck between a rock and a hard place, with only hope.
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